It's fine to celebrate success but it is more important to heed the lessons of failure. Bill Gates

 

The flip side

My whole life, I have lived with extreme hyper sensitivity, hostility, disrespect, and abuse from others throughout my life, on a continual basis, the constant bullying, in high school, in living situations, and online. 

The torture I endured, in which I was targeted by my animalistic neighbours, where I used to live, with intimidation tactics, attempts to scare me every day, day in, day out, subsequently led me to attempt suicide, in my intensely hyper vigilant state, as a means to escape their terrorism,and trained me to be the person I am today.

I am a big believer that what goes around, should come around, and not left in the hands of a societal definition of fate, or the man-made notion of 'karma'. 

This dynamic will see wrongdoers not only get away with what they did to me, but also receive a reward for doing it. They will continue to receive a 'green light', to commit unjust acts against me, or others. 

I imagine others who aren't living in this 'hell' of heightened sensitivity, and constant self projection, must suffer with a lot of boredom, and mundane days. 

Life is so easy for them, that it's a dull experience to be alive. 

The upside, is that things come easy to them, so they are able to fulfil basic requirements to live a relatively normal life, as they are too bored to care about much. 

              

Consequencial dynamics at play

Like a set of Domino's knocking each other down, seems to be the consequencial dynamics at play when I am subject to succumbing to what I am unable to endure, yet I have no choice but to endure. 

Circumstance can, and does bend a soul, until it breaks. 

As one who is suffering, I forever keep finding myself at the mercy of my circumstances, simply because I strongly disagree.

I wrote up my will today, which stated that I am not to be taken to the hospital, when I must endure the process of dying. My electric bike's motor died soon after I organised that, and, like a slave, I walked the bike home on a 38° day. Right now, my heart feels heavy, litterly, with dread. 

Undesirable behavior is strengthened because it removes an unpleasant stimulus, leading to a long-term, self-defeating pattern.

 

Manifested nightmare

I am caught in a self percepuating vicious cycle, where I experienced trauma early in my life. 

I expect hostility from people, I project that onto them in overwhelm, and in turn they react with a stress response, which is a mixture of misunderstanding, a holier than thou attitude, and a feeling they remember after they experience it. 

This requires me to have humility, as it only makes sense to love people. Karl Jung may relate to everyone in their "algorithm," that I experience difficulty with, as perhaps an archetype for my own unfaced shadow. 

No enemy is worse than bad advice. Sophocles

 

Living in fear, hate and invalidation

Misophonia combines the phobia, with dynamics. Once one suffering with the illness reacts to it, or people, it starts a rebound effect, with endless self projection that can feel like hell on earth. In suburban life, dealing with a condition like this can be unbearable. 

A car on idle for twenty extruciating minutes. A gate slamming closed. The constant anticipation that you will be a slave to others once again, until you have no choice but to succumb is like living on the edge of a cliff, trying to keep your balance so you don't fall to your death.

One evil stare from a stranger dictates your entire day. I hate people because they are stronger, louder and more enabled than me, so that if it's up for debate, they will win the debate.

You realise, that human beings are inherently evil, and an enemy. 

I hate that everyone around me has that power over me, whenever they like, however they like. They know that you'll react, so they make more noise. You feel like you're walking on eggshells every time you leave the house, because of the dread that can come upon you if the succumbing becomes to much, and you blow up and react.

One reaction is all it takes, and they will make you suffer. This is also true in nature, and society itself. 

One word comes to mind when I think of people. Cunt.