The flip side

My whole life, I have lived with extreme hyper sensitivity, hostility, disrespect, and abuse from others throughout my life, on a continual basis, the constant bullying, in high school, in living situations, and online. 

The torture I endured, in which I was targeted by my animalistic neighbours, where I used to live, with intimidation tactics, attempts to scare me every day, day in, day out, subsequently led me to attempt suicide, in my intensely hyper vigilant state, as a means to escape their terrorism,and trained me to be the person I am today.

I am a big believer that what goes around, should come around, and not left in the hands of a societal definition of fate, or the man-made notion of 'karma'. 

This dynamic will see wrongdoers not only get away with what they did to me, but also receive a reward for doing it. They will continue to receive a 'green light', to commit unjust acts against me, or others. 

I imagine others who aren't living in this 'hell' of heightened sensitivity, and constant self projection, must suffer with a lot of boredom, and mundane days. 

Life is so easy for them, that it's a dull experience to be alive. 

The upside, is that things come easy to them, so they are able to fulfil basic requirements to live a relatively normal life, as they are too bored to care about much. 

              

Consequencial dynamics at play

Like a set of Domino's knocking each other down, seems to be the consequencial dynamics at play when I am subject to succumbing to what I am unable to endure, yet I have no choice but to endure. 

Circumstance can, and does bend a soul, until it breaks. 

As one who is suffering, I forever keep finding myself at the mercy of my circumstances, simply because I strongly disagree.

I wrote up my will today, which stated that I am not to be taken to the hospital, when I must endure the process of dying. My electric bike's motor died soon after I organised that, and, like a slave, I walked the bike home on a 38° day. Right now, my heart feels heavy, litterly, with dread. 

Falling into karma's snares

I've been waking up from sleep, and upon waking, I'm already in stealth mode, dodging curveballs, and consequencial dynamics that I can't escape.

Usually, it will come in the form of intrusive noise, by neighbours. My thoughts usually race, as I'm observing and discovering the toxicity of the dynamics surrounding me.

Anyone who happens to be in my vicinity ,can only condemn, judge, and persecute me for my complaint, as karma is busy at work sorting me out.

I have my headphones charged at all times, and in my panic, I will put them on and play white noise, very loud.

I've discovered a pungent side of a charming, beautiful side of life, where I am the only one aware of the injustice it is committing against me.

Manifested nightmare

I am caught in a self percepuating vicious cycle, where I experienced trauma early in my life. 

I expect hostility from people, I project that onto them in overwhelm, and in turn they react with a stress response, which is a mixture of misunderstanding, a holier than thou attitude, and a feeling they remember after they experience it. 

This requires me to have humility, as it only makes sense to love people. Karl Jung may relate to everyone in their "algorithm," that I experience difficulty with, as perhaps an archetype for my own unfaced shadow.