You twisted fuck

People take offense to my twisted perception of nature. 

You think I'm sick. What kind of twisted fuck would create life, force you into existence, then force you to endure the dying process, most likely in a state of impending doom in a fucking hospital bed, where the hospital staff get a real kick out of duty of care.

 

I better believe in a god

I suffer with cardio issues, where I feel my heart beating all the time. 

I saw a documentary on YouTube about the autonomy of the heart, and how it seems to beat on its own, independent of the person it belongs to.

I have a deep insecurity and phobia of hearing my heart beat, but I feel it beating, all the time. I can hear it sometimes. I believe I have a psychosis about it. What if someone hurt me there. How would my being possibly endure, and withstand the pain.

I imagine getting cut there, or the how excruciating it would be to have a heart attack.

I know my insecurity about my cigarette smoking habit that I've done since the age of 14 plays a role.

I know I can not quit, and no expert has ever convinced me it's possible, which requires justification, of course.

I reject everything

Nothing belongs to me that can't be taken away but my body, and I have the right to take it. Society has proven how cruel, unforgiving and hostile it is. Yet I'll be brought to my knees, begging to my god for help again, and again because of my powerlessness.

I am too weak, they are too mighty for me.

I forfeit my life.

Suicide over Embarrassment, and humiliation

Everyone is the enemy. It is more liberating to take one's life, than to succumb to the embarassment of succumbing.

Only suitable people that meet an adequate social critiria are entitled to relaxing with friends, family, or loved ones.

Unfortunately, some of us, that have the social status of 'mental health patient', or 'welfare recipient' are not entitled to those privileges. We are lower class citizens, so we are lower priority. We get the shit, whilst more suitable humans get the good things. 

We are entitled to nothing, and your suffering has no witnesses to validate it, not when you are choking on you're own puke from shitting out of your mouth.

This is hell on earth, and there's no other form of purgatory other than to have absolutely no credibility, dignity, or integrity in anything that you are.

Looking forward to the afterlife.

I'm stuck in a perpetual state of purgatory. I have been engaging in extreme pessimism every day in almost every interaction with anyone for about 5 years now. 

I'm noticing that conformed people, or people that have been trained by societies have manifested into a conspiracy type dynamic that is the results of the consequencial dynamic. 

It feels otherworldly. If anyone laughed, or asked me what makes it feel like purgatory, the way they would need me to justify and explain to them what makes me think I'm in a state of purgatory is an example of the manifested purgatory.

Everyone is part of the manifested conspiracy, there's no-one that isn't part of it. I believe I am the only human being in history to have ever experienced this. 

I am completely detached from societal norms, and I find so much about people intolerable.

The authoritian hospital systems, the toxic dynamics of corporate pigs. I think that eventually something will give and I will take my life.

I am not afraid of the afterlife, but the ugly dynamics of humans and society scares me more than I can tolerate.

Condemned from Birth

I didn't start this. I seize up around people because of the trauma human beings have caused me. 

I'm not a conventional person, and I am disgusted by socially conformed people. From the age of four years old, my experiences weren't normal. I started thinking I was an animal. Then the incessant bullying started. My entire life, people have targeted me with discrimination and ridiculed me. 

I am not an educated man, but I was bullied out of school, and they got pretty nasty. I have never trusted people, at all since. 

Especially after they tried to bully me out of life by provoking a suicide attempt. How could I forget the desperation I felt.

I feel like I have been condemned, yet I have reverence for my god. 

Life is beautiful, society isn't 

"Grief is just love with nowhere to go." — Anonymous

 

It was the closest to purgatory that I've ever experienced while I've been living. Dave Thomas

 

Bibliography

It's not that I hate you, but that you are antagonised by me, which makes me feel defensive, this creates a negative feedback loop. 

When I hear my heart beating in my chest, I associate that with the pain of a heart attack, or a razor blade slicing, because I smoke cigarettes, which anti smoking commercials, on free to air television, has trained my mind to expect. 

The quirky context is that, while I was developing this imagery, as I was experiencing puberty, twenty five years ago, I was witnessing Kung Lao, of Mortal Kombat 2, perform his hat slice fatality, on the sega genesis. Not to mention the messed up Urotsukidōji: Legend of the demon womb's language games, which was done by design by the creators. I also used a lot of ampthetimines throughout my youth. 

I think of my brain inside my head, and I associate that with pain, and panic, from traumatic psychotic episodes I have endured in the past. I look at beings, and I see them at a quantum scale. I have been initiated.

I have five senses. Sight, sound, touch, taste, and smell. All these are how my brain makes sense of things at a quantum scale. 

My universe is only what I've been told by algorithms, etc. I don't know if there is a moon at all, as I haven't seen it with my eyes, to "know" that it exists; I haven't perceived it with my earthly ability, and even then, I don't know the context. My impression still comprises computer-generated visuals, shown to me by documentaries, or other noise the algorithms have shown me throughout my life.

I'm like a spiders abdomen, deflating, as it "farts"out of its sack. At least, that's the kind of thing I'd spend all my time drawing, in my youth

I grew up wearing smelly clothes, looking like Kurt Cobain, in highschool, and pissing myself every night, because of medications, the nights before mental health authorities had me incarcerated. 

I am an outcast by choice. This is beyond a psychiatric disorder.