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It's not that I hate you, but that you are antagonised by me, which makes me feel defensive, this creates a negative feedback loop. 

When I hear my heart beating in my chest, I associate that with the pain of a heart attack, or a razor blade slicing, because I smoke cigarettes, which anti smoking commercials, on free to air television, has trained my mind to expect. 

The quirky context is that, while I was developing this imagery, as I was experiencing puberty, twenty five years ago, I was witnessing Kung Lao, of Mortal Kombat 2, perform his hat slice fatality, on the sega genesis. Not to mention the messed up Urotsukidōji: Legend of the demon womb's language games, which was done by design by the creators. I also used a lot of ampthetimines throughout my youth. 

I think of my brain inside my head, and I associate that with pain, and panic, from traumatic psychotic episodes I have endured in the past. I look at beings, and I see them at a quantum scale. I have been initiated.

I have five senses. Sight, sound, touch, taste, and smell. All these are how my brain makes sense of things at a quantum scale. 

My universe is only what I've been told by algorithms, etc. I don't know if there is a moon at all, as I haven't seen it with my eyes, to "know" that it exists; I haven't perceived it with my earthly ability, and even then, I don't know the context. My impression still comprises computer-generated visuals, shown to me by documentaries, or other noise the algorithms have shown me throughout my life.

I'm like a spiders abdomen, deflating, as it "farts"out of its sack. At least, that's the kind of thing I'd spend all my time drawing, in my youth

I grew up wearing smelly clothes, looking like Kurt Cobain, in highschool, and pissing myself every night, because of medications, the nights before mental health authorities had me incarcerated. 

I am an outcast by choice. This is beyond a psychiatric disorder.

Conformity, or consequences.

I disagree with anti smoking campaigns. This is my body. It belongs to me to do with what I wish, and I enjoy my ciggarettes.

I'm the one who suffers any pain that happens to it, so, I can be assured that my body is mine. 

I also disagree with the consequencial dynamics at play if, and when I get that terminal illness diagnosis, for my smoking out of spite for a set of dynamics presented to me by mother nature, that I must adhere to, or else. I must meet a requirement at all times, or I can be an outcast. I choose to be an outcast. 

So many people have suffered an unjust lot in life, then succumbed to the dying process, often in a psychological dungeon, that is, the hospital, on their deathbed. This is very disempowering, and it's only a matter of time before mother nature herself, reeps some consequence for creating life, just to make it suffer all that pain.

It's fine to celebrate success but it is more important to heed the lessons of failure. Bill Gates

 

The flip side

My whole life, I have lived with extreme hyper sensitivity, hostility, disrespect, and abuse from others throughout my life, on a continual basis, the constant bullying, in high school, in living situations, and online. 

The torture I endured, in which I was targeted by my animalistic neighbours, where I used to live, with intimidation tactics, attempts to scare me every day, day in, day out, subsequently led me to attempt suicide, in my intensely hyper vigilant state, as a means to escape their terrorism,and trained me to be the person I am today.

I am a big believer that what goes around, should come around, and not left in the hands of a societal definition of fate, or the man-made notion of 'karma'. 

This dynamic will see wrongdoers not only get away with what they did to me, but also receive a reward for doing it. They will continue to receive a 'green light', to commit unjust acts against me, or others. 

I imagine others who aren't living in this 'hell' of heightened sensitivity, and constant self projection, must suffer with a lot of boredom, and mundane days. 

Life is so easy for them, that it's a dull experience to be alive. 

The upside, is that things come easy to them, so they are able to fulfil basic requirements to live a relatively normal life, as they are too bored to care about much. 

              

Consequencial dynamics at play

Like a set of Domino's knocking each other down, seems to be the consequencial dynamics at play when I am subject to succumbing to what I am unable to endure, yet I have no choice but to endure. 

Circumstance can, and does bend a soul, until it breaks. 

As one who is suffering, I forever keep finding myself at the mercy of my circumstances, simply because I strongly disagree.

I wrote up my will today, which stated that I am not to be taken to the hospital, when I must endure the process of dying. My electric bike's motor died soon after I organised that, and, like a slave, I walked the bike home on a 38° day. Right now, my heart feels heavy, litterly, with dread. 

Undesirable behavior is strengthened because it removes an unpleasant stimulus, leading to a long-term, self-defeating pattern.

 

The stupidness of life's design

They say that stress is bad for one's health, then they come to logical conclusions as to why it causes disease.

I find this dynamic the stupidest thing I could imagine. The fact that stress can cause disease, stresses me out. I find it absurd that stress can cause disease. I smoke cigarettes, I won't quit because if smoking won't kill me, something else will. Mother nature created the circumstances, I'm just using the tools available to me to cope with my hell. 

I have always held onto a deep hatred for feeling bad. I hate the consequencial dynamics at play when misfortune strikes. How can such limits be placed on life's creations, when the pain that can happen can be limitless. 

Falling into karma's snares

I've been waking up from sleep, and upon waking, I'm already in stealth mode, dodging curveballs, and consequencial dynamics that I can't escape.

Usually, it will come in the form of intrusive noise, by neighbours. My thoughts usually race, as I'm observing and discovering the toxicity of the dynamics surrounding me.

Anyone who happens to be in my vicinity ,can only condemn, judge, and persecute me for my complaint, as karma is busy at work sorting me out.

I have my headphones charged at all times, and in my panic, I will put them on and play white noise, very loud.

I've discovered a pungent side of a charming, beautiful side of life, where I am the only one aware of the injustice it is committing against me.

Manifested nightmare

I am caught in a self percepuating vicious cycle, where I experienced trauma early in my life. 

I expect hostility from people, I project that onto them in overwhelm, and in turn they react with a stress response, which is a mixture of misunderstanding, a holier than thou attitude, and a feeling they remember after they experience it. 

This requires me to have humility, as it only makes sense to love people. Karl Jung may relate to everyone in their "algorithm," that I experience difficulty with, as perhaps an archetype for my own unfaced shadow. 

No enemy is worse than bad advice. Sophocles

 

Revenge times Ten

What goes around, should come around, but sometimes, "Karma" seems more like an unjust judge. The feeling of being wronged by someone, and no consequences coming back to them. They take away your power, and you end up looking like the bitch, while they're probably off spending their lottery winnings in another country. 

What if there is no such thing as karma? The only reason I believe there are other planets out there is simply that that's what I have been told. 

To keep a journal, backtracking it and following up with every cunt that wronged me.  Consequence is something they teach us to be afraid of, but what if consequence is just guilt, and the weight of our morals being broken? I can't stand seeing an animal in pain, but I wish ill on my fellow man.

I feel any pain that happens to me, so my life belongs to me.