Burning Hatred for Authority

 When they ban my Gmail, I'm going to put lineage os on this phone, and I will be sworn off google, and Microsoft forever. Registered accounts, that are dictated and can be banned stink like fucking shit to me. I would never create any app or service that required an account, that can be banned. It's a shitty way to police everything. I'm starting to understand a criminals hatred for authority. I bet policing goes on even after death. There is no escape from this fuckin jail.

Filthy Stigma

Stigma stinks like fuckin shit. Those that get it are seen as disgusting, inappropriate. It makes fuckin sense that any human being would stigmatize me. No fuckin faggot, transvestite or any fucking ethnicity could be stigmatized like someone like me can. An individual who is as sick as me shouldn't be entitled to fair treatment, because I don't meet the social criteria.

The treacherous puppeteer

I feel like my body won't co-operate with me, or I'm handicapped, and the more that I'm handicapped, the more intense the feelings of hatred I have for it are. It seems like I'm a puppet that's being stringed along by a treacherous puppeteer, and he is a fucking cunt. 

I wouldn't make mistakes in the first place, that wind me up feeling like fucken shit, over and over again, if it wasn't because I feel like fucking crap in the first place. Even the suicide attempt was for the most mundane, fucking reasons.

If a spastic person could tell you, he'd say being that fuckin handicapped feels really fucking bad.

Circumstance doesn't justify consequence.

I fuckin hate feeling bad. If I ever feel, and it's my fault, it doesn't change how much I strongly disagree with feeling like fucking shit. I fucking hate the concept of consequence. I feel like karma creates a jail where there is no escape, and no chance of freedom. Misfortune seems so fucking stupid to me. More often than not, the circumstances don't justify the consequences.

All of this is the opposite of liberation. The opposite of all this is true Utopia. This is not.

I thought, 'If I'm going to die, I'm going to videotape it.' So I got out my little video recorder and was taping goodbyes to my family. Estella Warren

 

Perpetual Nightmare

I know my body needs sleep every 10 hours or so, and the recommendation is around seven to eight hours sleep, but sometimes, I don't want to sleep, because sometimes I'm not tired. 

I hate the consequences that I have to endure because I've deprived myself of my biological need for fucking sleep. There's a penalty for choosing not to sleep, when sometimes I'm not tired. It makes me want to challenge my biology.

I believe in freedom, and liberation, not enslavement.

Ignorance is not bliss - it is oblivion. Philip Wylie

 

Starbright

 I went for a walk with the dog. It is such a clear night sky this morning. 

I looked up at a star, and it was glittering. The air was so crisp and clean. 

When I got home, I imagined being right near the star, with it just in front of me, and the powerline. I imagined it beaming electrons through my whole body. 

In that moment, I knew I was eternal. In relation to the star.

I am a schizophrenic

 I'm a schizo cunt

Survival of the Fittest

I've been seeing a lot of really flashy automobiles on the road, as I'm riding my $2000 ebike that my mother took out a Centrelink loan to buy me.

The cars are impressive, but I can't help but think that all these people are way up higher in the sociatel food chain than me, you almost can't compare. 

I could barely afford to get a puncture fixed. I am an outsider and a social outcast, and people notice it. I wonder if housing is going to need my two bedroom house for a young family one day, and they'll quietly evict me. I might find myself in a one bedroom unit again, going through the houso politics I experienced, the time the neighbours enticed me to try to kill myself

I look like a fuckin cunt

 The dog got overexcited to go for a walk, and smashed my hand with its paw, down onto the corner of the coffee table. The dog made me feel that stress I feel, when I find it hard to get the pissed off look off my face. I felt anger. 

I decided to brush my teeth, so I wouldn't feel that intense stress I tend to get when I walk the dog, and the toothpaste went all over my clothes. I also dropped one of my earbuds in the basin in the bathroom, full of water.

It wouldn't have annoyed me so much, but I needed the pixel buds to mask the "misophonia". I looked online at replacements, and one bud is over $100. I was disgusted by the pungent dynamics of the misfortune.

I took it for the walk, and walked the route I usually go, where there's a path with no lighting. There was a sporting event at the oval. I felt eyes on me. A male whistled loudly at me, and a few other people watched me, walking in the dark. One of them said something. I think they thought I was quite odd, or I looked like a dickhead, which is understandable when I imagine my appearance to them. Dark blue shorts, black mambo t-shirt, overweight, and my hair accentuating my bulging stomach. The perfect candidate for bullying and stigmatizing.

I was extremely tense at this point, because I could feel the pungent judgment, and discrimination.

Earlier today, next door's kids were really loud, yelling out and banging things. I know next door doesn't like me, like all the other neighbours.

The dog knocked the blind off the window, and it nearly smashed my bike auto pump. I felt anger towards the dog, and put it out the back. I could hear next door's kid, asking his father something about me, like why is that guy so angry all the time, dad?

In a ridiculing way. 

I was imagining the guy next door listening to me call the dog a cunt, and, with a screwed up look on his face, stressed out, thinking he says that word a lot.

I could feel the hate.

As usual, I came out looking like the bitch.