Fuck the world

 I feel like a washed up, broke pensioner that is going to lose even the little he has until he's totally alone, in a state of despair and desperation.

I remember I was at the Bendigo bank. This guy, in tradie uniform, casually went up and withdrew about $5000 like it was nothing. He started having a conversation with the lady serving him. He looked like an asshole 

I immediately thought 'stigma'. 

I bet he'd get nasty with a mentally handicapped pensioner like me, if he had to

Bendigo banks app won't let me back in. I tried to log in from my Linux PC, but I forgot my password. When I tried to log back in on the phone, I keep getting an error saying there was an issue with your login attempt. Please try again on another device. It got me thinking what if they discriminated me to the point of not allowing me to have an online bank account. Like "someone is trying to log in from Linux, it must be a hacker. We'll lock him out. He's not using windows. Who the hell doesn't use windows!?"

I was trying to download a bank statement for vet pay for my sick cat.

There's better words for this than stigma, or discrimination. I'm just not sure what they are yet.

People are fed up with something when it becomes more and more popular. Jean Paul Gaultier

 

I'm more interested in the meaning of funerals and the mourning that people do. It's not a retail experience. It's an existential one. Thomas Lynch

 

I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it. Steven Wright

 

You twisted fuck

People take offense to my twisted perception of nature. 

You think I'm sick. What kind of twisted fuck would create life, force you into existence, then force you to endure the dying process, most likely in a state of impending doom in a fucking hospital bed, where the hospital staff get a real kick out of duty of care.

 

I better believe in a god

I suffer with cardio issues, where I feel my heart beating all the time. 

I saw a documentary on YouTube about the autonomy of the heart, and how it seems to beat on its own, independent of the person it belongs to.

I have a deep insecurity and phobia of hearing my heart beat, but I feel it beating, all the time. I can hear it sometimes. I believe I have a psychosis about it. What if someone hurt me there. How would my being possibly endure, and withstand the pain.

I imagine getting cut there, or the how excruciating it would be to have a heart attack.

I know my insecurity about my cigarette smoking habit that I've done since the age of 14 plays a role.

I know I can not quit, and no expert has ever convinced me it's possible, which requires justification, of course.

I reject everything

Nothing belongs to me that can't be taken away but my body, and I have the right to take it. Society has proven how cruel, unforgiving and hostile it is. Yet I'll be brought to my knees, begging to my god for help again, and again because of my powerlessness.

I am too weak, they are too mighty for me.

I forfeit my life.

It is absurd to divide people into good and bad. People are either charming or tedious. Oscar Wilde

 

Suicide over Embarrassment, and humiliation

Everyone is the enemy. It is more liberating to take one's life, than to succumb to the embarassment of succumbing.

Only suitable people that meet an adequate social critiria are entitled to relaxing with friends, family, or loved ones.

Unfortunately, some of us, that have the social status of 'mental health patient', or 'welfare recipient' are not entitled to those privileges. We are lower class citizens, so we are lower priority. We get the shit, whilst more suitable humans get the good things. 

We are entitled to nothing, and your suffering has no witnesses to validate it, not when you are choking on you're own puke from shitting out of your mouth.

This is hell on earth, and there's no other form of purgatory other than to have absolutely no credibility, dignity, or integrity in anything that you are.

Rather than a horror film, a ghost story is different because a ghost is what you can't quite see. James Watkins

 

Don't grieve. Anything you lose comes round in another form. Rumi