I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it. Steven Wright

 

You twisted fuck

People take offense to my twisted perception of nature. 

You think I'm sick. What kind of twisted fuck would create life, force you into existence, then force you to endure the dying process, most likely in a state of impending doom in a fucking hospital bed, where the hospital staff get a real kick out of duty of care.

 

I better believe in a god

I suffer with cardio issues, where I feel my heart beating all the time. 

I saw a documentary on YouTube about the autonomy of the heart, and how it seems to beat on its own, independent of the person it belongs to.

I have a deep insecurity and phobia of hearing my heart beat, but I feel it beating, all the time. I can hear it sometimes. I believe I have a psychosis about it. What if someone hurt me there. How would my being possibly endure, and withstand the pain.

I imagine getting cut there, or the how excruciating it would be to have a heart attack.

I know my insecurity about my cigarette smoking habit that I've done since the age of 14 plays a role.

I know I can not quit, and no expert has ever convinced me it's possible, which requires justification, of course.

I reject everything

Nothing belongs to me that can't be taken away but my body, and I have the right to take it. Society has proven how cruel, unforgiving and hostile it is. Yet I'll be brought to my knees, begging to my god for help again, and again because of my powerlessness.

I am too weak, they are too mighty for me.

I forfeit my life.

It is absurd to divide people into good and bad. People are either charming or tedious. Oscar Wilde

 

Suicide over Embarrassment, and humiliation

Everyone is the enemy. It is more liberating to take one's life, than to succumb to the embarassment of succumbing.

Only suitable people that meet an adequate social critiria are entitled to relaxing with friends, family, or loved ones.

Unfortunately, some of us, that have the social status of 'mental health patient', or 'welfare recipient' are not entitled to those privileges. We are lower class citizens, so we are lower priority. We get the shit, whilst more suitable humans get the good things. 

We are entitled to nothing, and your suffering has no witnesses to validate it, not when you are choking on you're own puke from shitting out of your mouth.

This is hell on earth, and there's no other form of purgatory other than to have absolutely no credibility, dignity, or integrity in anything that you are.

Rather than a horror film, a ghost story is different because a ghost is what you can't quite see. James Watkins

 

Don't grieve. Anything you lose comes round in another form. Rumi

 

Looking forward to the afterlife.

I'm stuck in a perpetual state of purgatory. I have been engaging in extreme pessimism every day in almost every interaction with anyone for about 5 years now. 

I'm noticing that conformed people, or people that have been trained by societies have manifested into a conspiracy type dynamic that is the results of the consequencial dynamic. 

It feels otherworldly. If anyone laughed, or asked me what makes it feel like purgatory, the way they would need me to justify and explain to them what makes me think I'm in a state of purgatory is an example of the manifested purgatory.

Everyone is part of the manifested conspiracy, there's no-one that isn't part of it. I believe I am the only human being in history to have ever experienced this. 

I am completely detached from societal norms, and I find so much about people intolerable.

The authoritian hospital systems, the toxic dynamics of corporate pigs. I think that eventually something will give and I will take my life.

I am not afraid of the afterlife, but the ugly dynamics of humans and society scares me more than I can tolerate.

We need no messiah and no sterile conception of a god menacing us with hell and purgatory. Federica Montseny

 

Fuck everything.

 f I could kill myself I would've been gone 20 years ago when I tried it. 

The consequencial dynamic has handicapped me so that, like a puppet, I'm forced to endure my misery, I'm strung along by the puppeteer.

The sooner I'm gone the better.