Ignorance is not bliss - it is oblivion. Philip Wylie

 

Starbright

 I went for a walk with the dog. It is such a clear night sky this morning. 

I looked up at a star, and it was glittering. The air was so crisp and clean. 

When I got home, I imagined being right near the star, with it just in front of me, and the powerline. I imagined it beaming electrons through my whole body. 

In that moment, I knew I was eternal. In relation to the star.

I am a schizophrenic

 I'm a schizo cunt

Survival of the Fittest

I've been seeing a lot of really flashy automobiles on the road, as I'm riding my $2000 ebike that my mother took out a Centrelink loan to buy me.

The cars are impressive, but I can't help but think that all these people are way up higher in the sociatel food chain than me, you almost can't compare. 

I could barely afford to get a puncture fixed. I am an outsider and a social outcast, and people notice it. I wonder if housing is going to need my two bedroom house for a young family one day, and they'll quietly evict me. I might find myself in a one bedroom unit again, going through the houso politics I experienced, the time the neighbours enticed me to try to kill myself

I look like a fuckin cunt

 The dog got overexcited to go for a walk, and smashed my hand with its paw, down onto the corner of the coffee table. The dog made me feel that stress I feel, when I find it hard to get the pissed off look off my face. I felt anger. 

I decided to brush my teeth, so I wouldn't feel that intense stress I tend to get when I walk the dog, and the toothpaste went all over my clothes. I also dropped one of my earbuds in the basin in the bathroom, full of water.

It wouldn't have annoyed me so much, but I needed the pixel buds to mask the "misophonia". I looked online at replacements, and one bud is over $100. I was disgusted by the pungent dynamics of the misfortune.

I took it for the walk, and walked the route I usually go, where there's a path with no lighting. There was a sporting event at the oval. I felt eyes on me. A male whistled loudly at me, and a few other people watched me, walking in the dark. One of them said something. I think they thought I was quite odd, or I looked like a dickhead, which is understandable when I imagine my appearance to them. Dark blue shorts, black mambo t-shirt, overweight, and my hair accentuating my bulging stomach. The perfect candidate for bullying and stigmatizing.

I was extremely tense at this point, because I could feel the pungent judgment, and discrimination.

Earlier today, next door's kids were really loud, yelling out and banging things. I know next door doesn't like me, like all the other neighbours.

The dog knocked the blind off the window, and it nearly smashed my bike auto pump. I felt anger towards the dog, and put it out the back. I could hear next door's kid, asking his father something about me, like why is that guy so angry all the time, dad?

In a ridiculing way. 

I was imagining the guy next door listening to me call the dog a cunt, and, with a screwed up look on his face, stressed out, thinking he says that word a lot.

I could feel the hate.

As usual, I came out looking like the bitch.

I gratefully look forward to oblivion, but I must be sure of it. Taylor Caldwell

 

I'm a mentally ill cunt.

A wholesome oblivion of one's neighbours is the beginning of wisdom. Richard Le Gallienne

 

Ernest Hemingway: “You are so brave and quiet, I forget you're suffering.”

 

Remember, in the vast infinity of life, all is perfect, whole, and complete... and so are you. Louise L. Hay

 

The word stigma derives from the Greek word stizein – a tattoo that was placed on slaves to identify their position at the bottom of the social structure and to indicate that they were of less value to society. Today stigma is understood to mean a social construction whereby a distinguishing mark of social disgrace is attached to others in order to identify and to devalue them.