Fuck everything.

 f I could kill myself I would've been gone 20 years ago when I tried it. 

The consequencial dynamic has handicapped me so that, like a puppet, I'm forced to endure my misery, I'm strung along by the puppeteer.

The sooner I'm gone the better.

Loneliness and the feeling of being unwanted is the most terrible poverty. Mother Teresa

 

"Grief is just love with nowhere to go." — Anonymous

 

It was the closest to purgatory that I've ever experienced while I've been living. Dave Thomas

 

In the End, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends. Martin Luther King, Jr.

 

Reality

I have been diagnosed with chronic schizophrenia with social anxious dependence disorder. Life with permanent cannabis induced psychosis can be extremely challenging for me.

One of my early psychotic symptoms was actually induced by an old manga cartoon. I would smoke my marijuana and watch it over, and over in my psychotic state 

I couldn't interact with anyone. Words had 'double meanings', or alternate meanings. I would run out of the house and hide down the road whenever my mother and her partner would come around out of panic.

The language complex had a rebound effect on my mother's partner at the time, he would understand "come" or "come here", as "cum", as in "cum here."

As a misophonia sufferer, other's noise sends shockwaves of anxious panic through my entire body, but I feel it mostly in my throat, like my throat is sinking because of the feeling of dread. 

This is one of many accompanying psychotic conditions.

I saw a girl and looked her in the eyes. Her appearance was like cracks in a muddy dried up desert. This is hell on earth.

Dream as if you'll live forever. Live as if you'll die today. James Dean

 

My constant companion

I live in a self fulfilling prophecy where karma works against me. Every interaction I have is a bad experience. I'm completely isolated because of my allergy to everyone that exists

I fail at everything I attempt. Life is a "cunt"

I use the word "cunt" but there's no word in known language that fits it. It is as evil as evil can get. This is hell on earth.

I'm in a constant state of dread because of the fear and hate I have for what I have to live with. I am invalidated by everyone. I'm in a constant state of disempowerment.

I can't kill myself because the psychosis is too extreme. The only possible escape is death. Even then, I believe the powers to be will still torture me, and when it stops it is gathering it's strength so it can wipe me out in my process of dying, the kind of hell no creation would ever deserve, but that is what's in store for me.