Adapt or perish, now as ever, is nature's inexorable imperative. H. G. Wells

 

You yourself don't have to be shaken by mortal danger in order to feel your mortality. Seamus Heaney

 

Disempowerment

I imagine a hypothetical Utopia, and how dismal the experience of life is in comparison. 

In a constant state of succumbing to others, or consequence, life feels more like a prison than true liberation. 

Pain is mother nature's way of enslaving it's creations. 

To be pushed beyond endurance thresholds, mother nature knocks us off, one by one. There's nothing empowering about that. 

Take away disempowerment, and power isn't "a thing." 

It was the closest to purgatory that I've ever experienced while I've been living. Dave Thomas

 

Living in a nightmare

After I attempted suicide by overdosing on all my antipsychotic medications, and anything else I had in the house to escape the wraith of my torturous neighbours, where I used to live, the nurses and doctors at the hospital assumed I took too many pills to try to get high, that I accidentally overdosed, because I'm a mental health patient. 

They treated me like a piece of shit, as I lay there in their bed, stinking of vomit.

I was eventually at the mercy of the psychiatrist, with a convenient view of the psych ward outside the window. She ended up showing me mercy and sent me home. 

It was completely silent all night, then chaotic the next day, and one of the neighbours stood outside my door, talking about the smell of death in my direction.

You will condemn me, if you conceive the context of my "illness."

Fear thy neighbour

I don't trust people since I attempted suicide because my neighbours tormented me, every waking moment where I used to live. 

One hasn't experienced hell, until one is at the mercy of neighbours. 

I remember all the bullying, in primary school and in high school. They terrorised me, until I had no choice but to drop out. All my "friends" abandoned me at that time. 

I remember after that, I committed the ultimate sin by smoking cannabis once a week. The consequences were bad trips. The first time I knew I was in trouble was when I was watching Seinfeld back in the 90s, and the people's arms made a "ghhhhs" sound when they moved them. Don't get me started about how I perceived their brains inside their heads. 

The original sin didn't justify the suffering I experienced. It's hard to endure these thoughts whilst having a panic attack, and your heart is palpitating, and you actually hear the gushing sound inside your chest.

These days, I'm clean from any drugs, but the nightmare still remains. 

It's defeating to be the observer of such a pungent side of humans, as they continuously treat me like a piece of shit

I think others are antagonised by me, because I see their ugly sides, I am an observer, perceiving people from a vantage point that no one else ever has.

It doesn't matter who you are, if you have a problem with me, you are a dictator of my impending misery. 

I fucking hate people.