Manifested nightmare

I am caught in a self percepuating vicious cycle, where I experienced trauma early in my life. 

I expect hostility from people, I project that onto them in overwhelm, and in turn they react with a stress response, which is a mixture of misunderstanding, a holier than thou attitude, and a feeling they remember after they experience it. 

This requires me to have humility, as it only makes sense to love people. Karl Jung may relate to everyone in their "algorithm," that I experience difficulty with, as perhaps an archetype for my own unfaced shadow. 

No enemy is worse than bad advice. Sophocles

 

Revenge times Ten

What goes around, should come around, but sometimes, "Karma" seems more like an unjust judge. The feeling of being wronged by someone, and no consequences coming back to them. They take away your power, and you end up looking like the bitch, while they're probably off spending their lottery winnings in another country. 

What if there is no such thing as karma? The only reason I believe there are other planets out there is simply that that's what I have been told. 

To keep a journal, backtracking it and following up with every cunt that wronged me.  Consequence is something they teach us to be afraid of, but what if consequence is just guilt, and the weight of our morals being broken? I can't stand seeing an animal in pain, but I wish ill on my fellow man.

I feel any pain that happens to me, so my life belongs to me. 

God has no resolve; no karma attaches itself to Him. Ramana Maharshi

 

Living in fear, hate and invalidation

Misophonia combines the phobia, with dynamics. Once one suffering with the illness reacts to it, or people, it starts a rebound effect, with endless self projection that can feel like hell on earth. In suburban life, dealing with a condition like this can be unbearable. 

A car on idle for twenty extruciating minutes. A gate slamming closed. The constant anticipation that you will be a slave to others once again, until you have no choice but to succumb is like living on the edge of a cliff, trying to keep your balance so you don't fall to your death.

One evil stare from a stranger dictates your entire day. I hate people because they are stronger, louder and more enabled than me, so that if it's up for debate, they will win the debate.

You realise, that human beings are inherently evil, and an enemy. 

I hate that everyone around me has that power over me, whenever they like, however they like. They know that you'll react, so they make more noise. You feel like you're walking on eggshells every time you leave the house, because of the dread that can come upon you if the succumbing becomes to much, and you blow up and react.

One reaction is all it takes, and they will make you suffer. This is also true in nature, and society itself. 

One word comes to mind when I think of people. Cunt. 

Everyone fears the cut of the blade. It doesn't matter after that. I know the spirit survives as there is so much evidence of the survival of the personality in the afterlife. Dan Aykroyd

 

Cursing is invoking the assistance of a spirit to help you inflict suffering. Swearing on the other hand, is invoking, only the witness of a spirit to an statement you wish to make. John Ruskin

 

In the End, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends. Martin Luther King, Jr.

 

Reality

I have been diagnosed with chronic schizophrenia with social anxious dependence disorder. Life with permanent cannabis induced psychosis can be extremely challenging for me.

One of my early psychotic symptoms was actually induced by an old manga cartoon. I would smoke my marijuana and watch it over, and over in my psychotic state 

I couldn't interact with anyone. Words had 'double meanings', or alternate meanings. I would run out of the house and hide down the road whenever my mother and her partner would come around out of panic.

The language complex had a rebound effect on my mother's partner at the time, he would understand "come" or "come here", as "cum", as in "cum here."

As a misophonia sufferer, other's noise sends shockwaves of anxious panic through my entire body, but I feel it mostly in my throat, like my throat is sinking because of the feeling of dread. 

This is one of many accompanying psychotic conditions.

I saw a girl and looked her in the eyes. Her appearance was like cracks in a muddy dried up desert. This is hell on earth.

Dream as if you'll live forever. Live as if you'll die today. James Dean

 

To exact revenge for yourself or your friends is not only a right, it's an absolute duty. Stieg Larsson